How to say “No” and survive the experience

Saying "No" is one of the most important skills to learn if we want to make the most of our time.

However, for most people, it is also one of the hardest things to do. Saying "no" to an aggressive boss or an impatient customer can often feel like a battle of wills and even though the little voice in our head is warning us about the consequences, it is often just easier to give in and say yes.

Of course, it is not just people that we sometimes need to say "No" to. Every company has an official culture - that's the one that is described in the company handbook you were given when you started your job - but it also has an unofficial one, which of course is the one that everybody follows (more about that in a later blog). This is the culture that acknowledges the importance of work-life balance but still wants you to work late into the evening, most days.

Whether it is a person or a set of office practices you are trying to stand up to, a straight "No" is, by far, the hardest response to deliver because it depends solely on your own will power. It is the most effective way to protect your time for the things that really matter but it is also the most confrontational and the most likely to cause relational damage. It is therefore best to keep this high-stakes approach for those transition moments when you want to break an abusive working pattern or to signal the start of a new way of doing things.

The good news is that there are other ways of saying "No" that feel more like a negotiation. Rather than depending on your will power alone,  they rely on making the other person think about the consequences of what they are asking you to do. Some common examples are:

"Not unless...",  "Only if..." , "Sure! As long as..."
and "Not now, but...".

They have most of the power of a straight "No". They generate far less collateral damage and they are surprisingly effective.

For instance, if your boss comes to you and asks you to do a piece of work for them, you could say something like: "Sure, no problem. Can you just tell me which of the tasks I am currently doing for you I should stop in order to make time for this new task?"

Or, if a colleague comes to you, at a busy time, asking for data to include in a report they are writing. You could say something like, "I can give you a rough estimate this afternoon but, if you want the most accurate data, I can get that to you next Tuesday."

people are under enormous pressure to perform and so they get very focussed on their own needs. It's not that they don't care about you or the pressure you are under. They are not bad people; They are just not thinking about you. These negotiated "No's" make them stop and think about the consequences to you and that will often result in them withdrawing their request or at least re-negotiating the timescale.